WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD ONLY 5 MINUTES TO LIVE?

The terror starts when Jaime (Brandon Fobbs, The Wire) gets a panicked video from his best buddy, Freddie (James Snyder, Broadway’s Crybaby), about an insane chain letter that was e-mailed to him…It is a snuff video that warns the recipient that they have 5 minutes to pass it on or they will die.

As Jamie watches, a figure in black breaks into Freddie’s room. His face is hidden but not the machete-sized knife he carries in his hand. Before Freddie can react, the figure slits his throat. A horrified Jamie watches helplessly as the figure leaves, his dead friend Freddie laying sprawled across his desk. 

Before he can move, a new message appears on his screen. It is Amelia (Madeline Zima, Californication), their mutual friend. She’s gotten the same message and seen the same murder. She is just as terrified and confused as Jaime, but it’s nothing compared to what they feel when a time clock appears on their screens. It says they have five minutes to pass it on…the clock already ticking down. 

They stare at each other through their webcams, trying to figure out how to save their lives as the seconds rush past.

Also starring Kevin Daniels (Ladder 49, Their Eyes Were Watching God).

There are some people who call Repo! The Genetic Opera “The new Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I say GOOD! This film is much better. Repo! The Genetic Opera is the fourth directorial outing by Darren Lynn Bousman. Bousman is best known for directing Saw II, III, and IV. Repo! couldn’t be further away from the Saw films in every possible way. I was greatly impressed by the film’s ambition. I do feel the storytelling was a little lacking at times but awesome visuals and fun music made up for it.

For starters, Repo is a musical. It takes place in nightmarish future where organ failure is at an all time high. An evil corporation called Geneco offers financing for organ transplant surgeries. The story centers around Shilo, played by Alexa Vega, who is the daughter of the repoman that comes to collect the organs when people can no longer make their payments. The Repoman is played by Anthony Head. Head delivers a solid performance. We really get to see his range in this film. In particular, there is one scene where he is repossesing a spine while talking on his holographic wrist phone with Shilo, reminding her of the importance of taking her medication. Here you have Head’s brutality as the repoman and his warmth as Shilo’s dad. Great acting by Head, great directing by Bousman.

Speaking of great acting, Paris Hilton is in this film. She plays Amber Sweet, the surgery addicted sister rounding out the tryfecta of evil children who belong to the head of the evil Genco. The other two siblings are played by Bill Mosely and Ogre from Skinny Puppy. Paris has clearly come a long way since her appearance in House of Wax. She fit very well into this operatic roll which lent itself to over acting. This is really what she should be looking to do more of. Another great fit was Bill Mosely. He was able to channel his Chop Top over acting into a new type of roll for him that worked really well. Ogre was under a lot of make up. It was hard for me to get a real sense of his acting ability. He seemed to be handling his slightly gay character pretty well. All three of these guys had a great chemistry together which I was not expecting.

Great performances aside one of the films strongest points are the sets and the costumes. My personal favorite costume was the Repoman’s. His mask with light up eyes was perfectly toped off with a head mirror. (that is what that reflective disk doctors used to wear on their heads is called). It was very Brazil type mix of future and past. It’s something that is lacking in recent nightmarish future films. My favorite set was definitely the graveyard where Shilo meets the Graverobber/drug dealer played by Terrance Zdunich. This set was another great combination of old and new with gothic type head stones surrounded by security cameras and signs that read, “Grave robbers will be executed on site.” There was a great sequence on this set where Shilo and Graverobber break through a wall will trying to escape some cemetary guards and end up in a subterranean room filled with corpses. You really get the feel that your in the future where there is a bubonic type plague happening.

Repo!’s strongest point has got to be the music. Terrance Zdunich not only played Graverobber but was also the composers and one of screenwriters. The music was absolutely awesome. My favorite song was Seventeen which Shilo sings as she is yelling at her father. While I was rocking out to this song, I thought, ” this song has a very “Bad Reputation” vibe to it”. Then Joan Jett appeared for a cameo playing guitar in Shilo’s bed room. Jett nods at Shilo almost to give her permission to rock out. I’d really like to know if she played guitar on the song.

My only problem with the film was it became incredibly convoluted in true operatic fashion. There was a story where The evil head of Genco loved Shilo’s mother but she married the Repoman so he killed her. Now he wanted Shilo to sing in his opera or something. There was a thing with Shilo’s Godmother who has special hologram eyes and he wanted the Repoman to reposes them. Story wise they lost me towards the end there. But all and all Repo! The Genetic Opera is way better than The Rocky Horror Picture Show and I hope it ultimately gets the cult following Rocky Horror has.

As a card-carrying bad kid, the Nazis have a special place in my heart. This is mainly because my mother loves to watch films about people hiding from the Nazis during World War II. As you have read in my last blog I am a big fan of Nazi Exploitation films, for instance Ilsa She Wolf of the SS (I even made my own parody of it!) Last week I got to hang out with the director of Ilsa She Wolf of the SS, Don Edmonds and “Ilsa” herself, Dyanne Thorne. However, before we talk about that, I want to mention that I also got to hang out with an accused Nazi, Uwe Boll. Uwe is out promoting his new film, Postal. I learned that the man is not a Nazi and his new film is out to blow the whistle on Nazis that are currently operating in Germany, as well as making fun of Christian cultists and Arab terrorists.

There aren’t a lot of things I remember that my teachers said, but I do remember one thing my old Professor David Franklin told me. He said: “If you need to be there when they play your movie to explain it, it’s bad, because you’ll never be able to make it to all the screenings.” That stuck with me. Last week my good friend, The Evil Barnick, invited me to a special advanced press screening of Uwe Boll’s Postal. Just for the record, Uwe Boll’s name is pronounced, (ooo-va bowl.) I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew Postal was a comedy. There are some Boll films I totally hate, like House of the Dead. There are also the totally awesome ones such as Blood Reign. I kept an open mind and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed Postal. The film was hilarious. Postal is packed with glorious low-brow racial humor. There are even a few weenie and titty jokes, plus a ton of over-the-top violence. There is great scene where Uwe plays a Nazi in a Nazi- themed amusement park. Uwe informed me of how the German government loves to give money to filmmakers who make films depicting World War II German people as being sympathetic or opposing Hitler. Uwe feels this is hypocritical because there are members of the Nazi party currently in the German government. Hearing this really got me thinking and gave me a new appreciation of Postal and of Uwe as a filmmaker.

After Uwe’s Q&A, my good friend Ted “Treat Williams” Geoghegan introduced me to Uwe. I thanked him for making the film and told him how much I enjoyed it. He went on to tell me how Guy Richie’s company bought Postal to distribute in the United Kingdom, but was unable to get the film booked in any theaters because of fear of backlash from the Muslim community. “Za theata ownas are Poosies!” he exclaimed in his German accent. Postal is set to open the Friday after Indiana Jones. I can only pray that people buy tickets for Postal when Dr. Jones is sold out.

As I stated in the beginning of this blog, my short film Charlene She Wolf of my Heart Or Why is every nice girl I meet into weird Nazi things? played at the Cinema Wasteland convention in Ohio. Not only was Don Edmonds, the director of the original Ilsa She Wolf of SS on hand but so was Ilsa herself, Dyanne Thorne. But wait! There is more! Veteran exploitation director Jack Hill and Sid “Captain Spaulding” Haig were also in beautiful Strongsville, Ohio. Since I am such a fan of all these people I had to ask them to sit down for some breakfast at the hotel restaurant. Everyone was kind enough to except my invitation. We had a ton of fun and I got to hear some really good stories. Being that I taped this experience everyone who watches America’s Bad Kids will also be able to partake in some of these great memories.

It was one hell of a week hanging out with Uwe Boll and then all my exploitation idols in Ohio. Look for breakfast episode after the Raven Riley one. You can also expect tons of shameless plugging of Postal as it gets closer to the release date.

-John

There was something that I forgot to lay out when I first started writing these blogs. I should make everyone aware that I love history. I love being able to track a series of events that build up to a climax. Much like the Troma blog, this one is going to cover a bit of time. In the same way that my fandom of Lloyd Kaufman built up over several years and climaxed (not the Ron Jeremy climaxing) with me doing an interview with him, the past two and a half years of my life have been building up to me completing a short film about two best friends falling in love with a Nazi dominatrix. The great thing is there’s gravy. To find out exactly what I get, you’ll have to read this whole thing to the end.

It all started in the summer of 2004. I was about six months into editing a short film I directed called Alpha Dead. This film was taking forever to finish. I had written the film with my good friend Steven Tsapelas. I must confess, it was entirely my fault it was taking forever to complete. I had been out of school for a year and had no job prospects. It was easy for me to sit around and just let entire days slip by. I got a trial version of Netflix. One day I was on AIM chatting with my good friend Jed. We were discussing what I should be Netflixing. I asked him if I should Netflix Ilsa She Wolf of the SS. He said, “Dude, that movie is so good.” So I got a copy of it and watched it with Steve. He and I were blown away by it. We decided that we were going to do something with Ilsa. Since everyone at the time was making zombie movies, including us, we decided to make a Nazi film to be different. Our plan was for me to finish Alpha Dead and then shoot a trailer for our Nazi film to be shown at Alpha Dead’s premiere. We did just that. We got Alpha Dead and a trailer for what we called Charlene She Wolf of My Heart or Why Is Every Nice Girl I Date Into Weird Nazi Things? all ready and showed them both at the Bellmore Playhouse in December of 2004.

We hit a small snag shortly thereafter. The actress we had playing the title role of Charlene decided that if Nicole Kidman wouldn’t play an Ilsa parody character she would not play an Ilsa parody character. With our Charlene gone we went on a quest to find a replacement. Luckily my friend Conor was making a zombie movie of his own. Since I was on the crew, I knew I’d have a chance to mingle with all these high-falutin’ NYU types. One of them would surely be able to point me in the direction of someone who would be willing to play an Ilsa parody character. Boy, was I ever right. Not only did I get a hot lead on the person who would finally play Charlene, but I ended up casting all of Conor’s actors. Conor, consider yourself forgiven for that whole 21 hour shoot thing after the Troma marathon.

Over the next couple of months Steve and I worked on the script. We rounded up our usual group of actors. The cast ended up being half my zombie movie, half Conor’s zombie movie, plus one six foot tall Texan girl. How could we lose?! I was working at one of the big three television networks and it was going terribly. However, I was able to get in a lot of preproduction done in between transcribing dailies for a cop show pilot. We were moving along rather nicely. I decided I was going to leave my job the day before we’re scheduled to shoot the film. I walk into this big network and I tell my supervisor that I’m done and that day was going to be my last day. Well, he flips out on me and starts yelling. So I look him dead in the eye and let him yell. “You blew it dude!” he yelled then stormed off. Then he came back and said, “Don’t ever call me.” Then he came back again and said, “Get your stuff and get out.” I had no idea how important my transcribing of cop show pilot dailies was to this network. I thought this was great. I got more time to prep for my shoot. Then I got an omen.

So while I’m walking down 57th St. in Manhattan, there walking toward me is none other than Sweet Sweetback himself, Melvin Van Peebles. One of my heroes! I walked right up to him and said, “Good morning Mr. Van Peebles.” He replies, “Good morning, young man. How are you?” “Good, Sir!” I said, as I kept walking. So I go home, round up the crew and head to Long Beach where we are shooting this fucker. We shot about three quarters of the script. We did end up having to get two other scenes later on. Everything we did shoot was pretty good.

A couple of weeks after our first round of shooting, Steve and I find out that David Friedman, the producer of Ilsa She Wolf of the SS is going to be at Chiller Theatre in New Jersey. Chiller Theatre usually involves a horrific day of waiting in line to get into rooms filled with has-been celebrities who are trying to trick people into paying them to write their names on the possessions that people brought from home. We knew David would try to trick us. We just wanted to tell him that we made a funny version of the film he produced under the name Herman Trager. Dave was there with his 16-year-old niece and Herschel Gordon Lewis. This was the pair that had brought us Bloodfeast, 2000 Maniacs and The Wizard of Gore. All wonderful films. It was great meeting them at the same time. David’s niece was really cool as well. I remember thinking she must have been in her twenties. She was very tall, definitely over six feet. She took this picture.

We are now in December of 2005. I procure a supermarket for a supermarket scene that is in the script. Anyone who knows me knows I can shoot supermarkets and playgrounds. We shoot in there after they close and everything goes very well. This blog is turning into a director’s commentary without any movie so I’m going to cut to the chase and explain the rest of what happened some other time.

To answer my original question, “How could we lose?” Well, we could lose if I took a job on a hit reality show for a network which refuses to cancel a show made by a company that refuses to fire me. I would get stuck working for this show for the next two years. The gig lasted from November of 2005 to the day before yesterday. Pretty long. But what is great, is that I really turned up the heat and we got the film done. Not only is it done now, but it is premiering in Cleveland, Ohio next Friday at the Cinema Wasteland Film and Movie Memorabilia Expo!

So here’s the gravy: Don Edmonds, director of the original Ilsa She Wolf of the SS will be on hand. In addition, Don is kind enough to be appearing on an episode of America’s Bad Kids! If there is a guy who makes movies that the bad kids like, it’s Uncle Don! What a fitting way to premiere this film! It may have taken a while but it’s been worth the wait. I promise I’ll be taking this film around with me. Expect screenings in New York and LA. But for now you’ll have to excuse me. I have an appointment to keep with a big-titted German woman who runs a concentration camp. In the mean time, check out the trailer!

-John

My Long Hike Back to Tromaville, NJ

Well, it happened. For a long time, from 2001 to 2006 I would have said, “It will never happen.” My life has once again crossed over with the Lloyd Kaufman and the Troma Team in beautiful Long Island City, NY at Troma Studios. There I shot the latest episode of America’s Bad Kids. This blog is the story of how I came to know and respect Lloyd Kaufman and his long lasting independent film studio.
It all began on a Saturday morning. There they were, the Toxic Crusaders. Even as a small child I knew they were only here to ride the curtails of The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles and at the same time I was OK with that. I appreciated how it had the mindless team-up style action of the Turtles and the environmental message of Captain Planet with but without being totally fucking gay. Lets face it, Captain Planet was a pretty gay cartoon. I remember talking to a Filipino friend in the lunch room who, I envied because he was allowed to watch whatever he wanted. We talked about Toxic Crusaders and how much we liked the theme song. Then he asked me if I ever saw the movie. “There’s a movie of The Toxic Crusaders?”, I said. “Yeah, in the movie The Toxic Crusader rips out a guys intestines and uses it as a jump rope.” Well, I knew my mom would never let me rent that. I also knew she couldn’t stop me from looking at the box in the video store. Next time we were at the video store I learned that there were three Toxic Avenger films. I perused the backs of each box. That is a far as I got. It wouldn’t be until I was 17 working at the local video store when I’d be able to see Toxie in live action.
So now at the ripe old age of 17, I’m working for this wonderful fellow name Roger. He had a glorious belly that stuck out over his waist band. One time he told me “My belly got so big I couldn’t see my penis, I looked like a fat guy.” Eventually, I’ll write an entire blog about my golden years at the Video Club Plus. During the summer of 1997 I was renting all the things I had never been allowed to see. This included the Toxic Avenger Trilogy. I must admit I thought the first Toxic Avenger is pretty good and I still do. The other two kind of suck nuts. So do most sequels, so no surprise there. It was when I got to school that year that I found out my friend Luiz, was a big fan of Troma films . He told me all about the new movie they had coming out called Tromeo and Juliet. Luiz was also kind enough to direct me to the other Troma titles, such as The Class of Nuke’em High and Troma’s War. All of these wonderful films were at Roger’s video store for me to take advantage of. At the time I was into every horror movie I could get my hands on. The Fangoria’s weekend of Horrors was coming up and Luiz, my friend Conor and myself decided we were going to hit it up. Low and behold Lloyd Kaufman is announced as a guest. I notice that he has a book coming out called All I needed to know about Film making I learned from the Toxic Avenger. What secrets could be inside this book? I get the book from the newly established amazon.com and I am off to the Fangoria convention.
If anyone reading this has ever been to a Fangoria Convention its pretty much understood someone you came to see is going to cancel with no notice. Such was the case with this one. No Alex Winter, no Tom Savini, Had Savini showed up it really could have saved me a lot of time. Lloyd Kaufman was of course, at his table signing away. When we got up to him I don’t remember exactly what we talked about but I do remember Lloyd knowing I got the book from Amazon.com.

I would see Lloyd again one year later at The Weekend of Horrors only this time even less guest showed up. Bruce Campbell and Rob Zombie both canceled so we were stuck with the fat kid from The Blair Witch Project and Lloyd Kaufman. When I went to talk to Lloyd he insisted that I hold up the picture from the previous year which he had just signed.

The next time I saw Lloyd would be a test, a test of endurance. So it is now the spring of 2001. My friend Conor is shooting a film project at NYU about Cupid being kicked out of Heaven. I agree to work on it. On the same weekend is an all night Troma Sleep Over at the Huntington Cinema Arts Centre where they are premiering Toxic Avenger IV: Citizen Toxie. To make it to the screening I have to leave Conor’s shoot which is a at bar in Manhattan and drive all the way out to Huntington Long Island. After the screening I know I have to be back at Conor’s shoot the next morning at 9:00 AM.. I decide I’m fucking going anyway! Isn’t this the dumbest idea in the world? So I get to the screening at 9:00PM after working all day. I meet up with several other children I know from college. We watch Citizen Toxie. Everyone hates it but me. Then Lloyd comes out and does a Q&A. Then we watch 2 more Troma movies. The highlight of the evening was when these two girls started flashing people and one puts a cigarette in her Vagina to win a chance to be in the next Troma film, which I guess would be Tales from the Crapper. I don’t recall seeing them in the film. I get home at 5:00 AM. I need to be back at Conor’s shoot at 9:00AM.. I get to the shoot at 10:00 AM, an hour late and it goes twenty one straight hours to 7:00 AM the following day. It was a very painful weekend for this young blogger.
I see Lloyd next at a panel later that fall as part of the New York City Horror film Festival. During the Q&A I asked a question about shooting on film versus video. Lloyd’s answer stuck with me to this day. “I don’t care if you shoot your film on toilet paper. If its good we’ll take it.” I briefly pondered making a animated short with action figures where the Toxic Avenger would have a homosexual experience with Swamp Thing, and use toilet paper as a background. That project never materialized. I then took a five year hiatus from Troma aside from watching Tales from the Crapper on DVD.
It’s now 2006. I’m working for the wonderful television show Miami Ink. There is a Fangoria Convention in Chicago. I’m dying to go. George Romero, Lloyd, and James Gunn and an entire Slither Panel are going to be at the convention.

I met James Gunn the fall prior to that, and he was really cool.

Slither looked absolutely amazing. He had written Tromeo and Juliet, which was my favorite Troma film, I had the poster and some other promotional 8’10s. James Gunn and his wife at the time Jenna Fisher, freaked out when they saw the photo of James and his brother Sean I had brought to be signed.

Later that night there was a screening of Slither which had not yet come out. Lloyd showed up pretty early on and sat towards the front of the theater. As the theater started filling up James Gunn walked in and hugged Lloyd. The place went nuts cheering. The movie came on and Lloyd’s cameo got another pop from the crowd. After the movie James Gunn asked me what I thought and I said, “I loved it and I’d like to thank you for not fagging out and killing those children.” He then told me he wanted to kill more children but his producer wouldn’t let him. The next morning I saw Lloyd and we talked about how great Slither was and how great James Gunn is. He singed a picture of him and Lemmy Kilminster.

Since the Chicago show I’ve been waiting to see Poultrygiest Night fo the Chicken Dead.
Flash forward to today. I’ve started a web series and my good friend Robbie G from Iconsoffright.com suggests I interview Lloyd at Troma for the second episode. This is a wonderful idea. To find out what happens during this interview watch the new episode of America’s Bad Kids.

So much was said during this interview we are actually going to create a few extra exclusive episodes. One Americasbadkids.com, one for Iconsoffright.com and one for Spookydan.com. They will have a special open that features some fo the great tromabilia I have collected over the past ten years. Well, I’m back. back in Tromaville NJ. It’s not so bad. Hey! There goes Eli Roth and Trey Parker holding hands. If it’s good enough for those guys its good enough for you. Next time we’re back in the video store and we’re going to the back room. You know what they keep in there right? Porn!